Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
