it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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