There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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