im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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