Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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