i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
