Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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