Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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