Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize