i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
