They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
