You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
