how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
