Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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