Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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