just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
