Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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