I feel like I'm in dance class right now
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
