god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
