This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
