Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
