Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize