I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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