Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
