I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
