im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
