wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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