Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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