I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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