I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
