i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
