So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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