Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
