The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
