My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
