Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I am one with the molecules
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
