Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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