when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
