i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
