i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
