I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
