Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
