upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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