That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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