I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
