Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
