The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
