in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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