from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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