I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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