Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
