Cold hands, warm shart.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
