there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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