i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
