It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
