Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I just cut my nipple shaving
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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