Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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