I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
